Taibros.net

Since the Thanksgiving feast is soon upon us, I thought it might be a good idea to come out with a guide on HOW TO GET FAT. (And by this, i don’t mean pretty-hot-and-tempting nor do i mean faithful-available-teachable). You might think I am being hypocritical, or belittling - and perhaps I am - but in the humor that I am accustomed to, here goes…

Five Steps to Living Up to Your Personal Ponderousness Potential:

1) Eat Frequently - Forget three meals a day. Eat every other hour. This way you can maximize your personal ponderousness potential by maintaining a high (and almost constant) intake of food for digestion.

2) Eat Unhealthily - My personal recommendation is food from the “O”, but anything that has more oil and fat in it than anything else is A-OK. Theres also the Garbage Plate for you Rochesterians. There is no doubt about it, the less healthy you eat, the more healthy you will be!

3) Eat Diligently - Just like that Japanese Hot Dog guy, you too must be the master of your own body. Train it well. Consider eating to be a part-time job, requiring 20 hours a week of work. Don’t eat until you’re full, eat more. Be like a marathon runner and break beyond your human limits and achieve greatness.

4) Eat Gluttonously - Just as kindness begets kindness, so should eating beget more eating. Defy the laws of physics and become a human perpetual motion machine of eating. The more you eat, the more you want to eat, and the more you want to eat, the more you eat. The cycle will accelerate forever! Defy the 3rd law of Thermodynamics and create energy in the process.

5) Eat Extroversively - Eat with family, friends, neighbors, stranges, livestock - anything that eats a lot. This helps in two parts, you can (1) scavenge, and (2) compete. Eat other people’s left overs - there certainly shall be once they see how much you eat. Also, some people eat for nourishment, others for pleasure, still others out of boredom. You? You should eat because you want to become the world’s fattest person!

The above Five steps should get you on the right track to increase your personal ponderousness. Having trouble remembering all 5? Just remember the key terms:
Frequently, Unhealthily, Diligently, Gluttonously, Extroversively. If you can combine all of these steps I have told you, you get FUDGE. that is all.

Have a happy thanksgiving.

*also, i have updated my photo gallery - there are two galleries up: Penguins v Capital Hockey Game, and Union Project Community Service.